The Art of "Householding"
Christians coming together to build a unified household

Robin Weidner, October 2008

“If I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God’s household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.” 1 Timothy 3:15
 
When Christian campus students or singles establish a household, they usually come with hopes of unity, fun, and working/serving together. Even more so, there is an unspoken expectation that goes something like this, “Because we are all Christians, we won’t have any trouble getting along. After all, we’ll all be seeking to glorify God together. It will be awesome!”
 
But the truth is, even beyond who will clean the dishes, pay the bills, vacuum and take out the garbage, there is much that can build a wedge between roommates—even in a Christian household. But what does God say about building unity in the home? Doesn’t the Bible only address biological families living together?
 
The good news is that God has much to say about Christian households—whether those who live together are related by blood or not.
 
The dictionary defines household as a person or group of people occupying a single dwelling or the living spaces and possessions belonging to such a unit. This definition could include family members, but not just those who are blood relatives. Family also refers to people who share common attitudes, interests and goals.
 
This last definition of family aptly describes the Christian family. While we are united by Christ’s blood, we also share a deep common bond and similar goals in the faith. In fact, God felt so strongly about the connection believers would share in his church, he also made it a household (Ephesians 2:19).
 
1 Peter 2:5 describes God’s family as, “living stones being built together into a spiritual house.” What’s even more beautiful is that as we’re built together, the Bible tells us that God dwells among us. Even if you live with other roommates that you rarely see, as members of God’s church, you’ve got an additional roommate. God is living there among you.

Why did God put us in families?
“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you…. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” — John 17:22b, 24
 
What we forget sometimes is that, within his very nature, God is relational. He has existed from the very beginning in fellowship, in what could even be considered a prototype of a household.
 
From the beginning, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were together, living in complete unity. Consider….
 
  • Relationship came before the creation — Jesus talked about how God loved him even before the creation of the world (John 17:23). The plans set in motion before the creation (1 Peter 1:2) were lovingly spun by God through relationship.
  • The creation was carried out in relationship — When God made man, he said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness...” (Genesis 1:26, emphasis mine) While the earth was still formless, we find the Spirit of God hovering over the waters. Scripture tells us that all things were created through Jesus (Colossians 1:16).
Here we find our model for household. The Father, Son and Spirit creating together. Loving together. Planning together. Rejoicing together. If we look at the relational nature of the Godhead, we catch a glimpse of why he might have decided to put us within relationships too.
 
  • Together, we are protected – A wolf can easily overtake a sheep that’s wandered off from the fold. But a group of sheep are less likely to be attacked, especially if they have a good shepherd watching over them. God, as the Good Shepherd, knew that we needed to walk through this life together to face the many obstacles, attacks and hardships that come our way (Isaiah 40:11).
  • Together, we are cared for – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 reminds us that two are better than one. Why? If one falls down, the other can pick him or her up. This passage doesn’t just imply that God is part of a godly marriage. It also affirms the value of friendship with God himself as the focal point.
  • Together, we learn more – The book of Proverbs continually calls us to seek outside counsel and warns us from relying on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). Being immersed in relationship allows us to engage new ideas, experience the world in innovative ways and challenge our own conventional thinking.
  • Together, we can do more – For anyone renting an apartment, it is more manageable to split rent three ways. It’s easier to make the living space functional when we each contribute furniture, dishes, etc. Living in relationship allows each of us to gain from our different strengths (Romans 12:6a).
  • Together, we can save more – Ultimately, households are God’s way of saving the world, and keeping those he has called safe. Just like in the first century, we can reach more corners of our communities with each disciple doing his part.

The difference between unity and disunity
Even though it is clear that God intended for us to live in community, what most of us need is instruction on how to live in households (1 Timothy 3:15). More often than not, living with others does not come naturally. It certainly isn’t easy. We each bring our own losses, sinful natures, backgrounds, gifts, strengths and convictions into a living situation.

 
So, how do we make sense of it all and live in unity? A look at what creates the difference between unity and disunity is a good place to start. Consider:
 
1) Acceptance versus Conditional love
Paul’s epistles urge believers to accept one another just as Christ accepts them (Romans 15:7). In other words, we are supposed to model to each other the acceptance of Christ. The household is one of best places for this to happen, because we see each other at our best and worst.
 
But conditional love says, “I love people most when they are like me or when they ‘get’ me… the ones who treat me the way I like to be treated.” Conditional love is often “easier” than accepting people for who they are and where they’re at spiritually. This type of love couldn’t be further from the heart of Jesus, but often, it’s our human nature.
 
It can also strike a deep wound in a household. Conditional love can make a person feel as though they can never be accepted or even tempt them to pull away from the church. “If the people who know me intimately don’t accept me, how can anyone else?” Or they might even be tempted to think, “The world offers me more ‘acceptance’ than the church.”
 
True acceptance, on the other hand, is just the type of love Jesus demonstrated on the cross, when we were still sinners and powerless to bridge the gap between us and a holy God. By accepting each other, we model the love of God to each other (1 Corinthians 12:21-26).
 
When there are communication challenges going on, we need to be particularly sensitive to each other. Picture two people (in a four-roommate household) constantly pulling away in a room to talk things over with the door closed. What does that communicate to the roommates left out? It might communicate, “I’ll talk about you to the other roommates instead of to you…. You are hard for me to love, so this other roommate has to ‘help’ me love you.”
 
Ask yourself, “How do my actions make others feel? Am I communicating conditional love or acceptance as Jesus intended?”
 
2) Forgiveness versus Nursing Grievances
Colossians 4:6 encourages, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone.” There is great power for good or evil that resides in our tongues. Our words can be used to build up or to cut down. And in households the power of those words is magnified.
 
Sadly, in some households, that power is often lacking in control. There are some who use their words and tongues to manipulate and to control; even to subdue. Not necessarily even in a violent way, but nevertheless in a harmful way. Sometimes it's by constantly complaining. Other times it's by yelling or threatening.
 
But wouldn't it be good if, before we spoke, we were to apply this simple test to our words: Are they gracious, seasoned with salt? Are they useful for building the other person up according to their needs? Are they necessary at this moment? (Ephesians 4:29)
 
So what is a grievance? The dictionary defines it as “a wrong considered as grounds for complaint, or something believed to cause distress.” Another definition describes a grievance as “a complaint or resentment, as against an unjust or unfair act.”
 
Nursing these grievances can take many forms. Here are a couple you just might recognize:
  • Get back syndrome—This grievance says, “Well she pointed out when I did something wrong, so I’m going to call her out on something!” When we feel put down, our sinful nature pushes us to show the other person that they’re not perfect either.  The Bible says: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing.” (See 1 Peter 3:8-9)
  • Keep a list syndrome—This grievance says, “I’m keeping an eye on you and will report any time you don’t do it right!” The Bible says: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (See Colossians 3:12-14) 1 Corinthians 13:5 also points out that keeping a record of wrongs does not demonstrate love.
It is important to note that whether your grievance is true is not the point! Who’s right and wrong isn’t the point! It’s about expressing your feelings in a godly way and not harboring resentment or allowing a bitter root to grow (Job 36:13, Hebrews 12:15). Letting go of grievances ultimately happens when we recognize the grace of God in our own lives.
 
We can also nurse grievances when one roommate is struggling in their faith—resenting their struggle. Or if we’re insecure, we might take someone’s weak faith personally. Our peace becomes dependent on their peace, so in the name of “helping,” we begin to manage, control, fix or run after the person struggling. This unhealthy dependence makes for great drama.
 
In Galatians 6:2-5 Paul says we are to bear one another’s burdens, but that each one must carry their own load. What is a load? The Greek word for load was used for the knapsack (or backpack) in which a soldier would carry everything they needed to survive. 
 
Our load contains the responsibilities that are given us by God such as walking with him, our own character (and sin), and our contribution to our relationships and households. When we try to “help” others by carrying their load for them, we end up resentful. God calls us to a healthy balance of helping with burdens, but keeping good boundaries. What might this look like?
  • Ask if you can help instead of insisting that you help.
  • Inquire what you can pray about instead of telling the person what they need.
  • Give people space to be human but commit to fight for each other.
3) Involvement versus Independence
One of the keys to a healthy functioning household is each part taking responsibility, doing its work and making a contribution — financially, spiritually and physically.
 
An involved household schedules family meal times and family meetings. They welcome opportunities to be hospitable to others. They work together to be good stewards of the many things God has given them through their household.
 
An independent household develops when one or more members communicate, by words or actions, “I don’t need you!” This may be obvious — hiding away with the door locked and music blaring. Or more subtle — deciding to hide areas of your life where you need help.
 
But the truth is that we absolutely need each other. 1 Corinthians 12:14-26 beautifully illustrates this principle. Just because you’re an eye and your roommate is a foot, doesn’t change anything! Every part of the body of Christ needs the other parts to remain healthy, active and growing.
 
In this passage, we are also commanded to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” But we can only do these things if we know what is going on with each other’s lives. A household is God’s ways of ministering to us in good and in bad times.
 
Households should also be a safe place to bring the church, to bring our friends, and to bring friends we reach out to. Because we’re involved with one another and dealing with any challenges that come in a healthy way, others will also find acceptance, love, comfort and hope.
 
Being involved in each other’s lives doesn’t mean we all have to be each other’s very best friends.  But it does mean that we express unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness and the many other attributes of a believer as seen in the life of Jesus.


Jesus is the model
The end goal of living in Christian households is to lay down our lives for each other like Jesus did. Jesus lived with a group of men and gave us a great (and perfect) example to follow. How did he show his acceptance, forgiveness and involvement? He…

 
  • Washed the disciples’ feet (John 13:1-5)
  • Didn’t spare anything from them (Titus 2:13-14)
  • Ministered to others who were with the disciples
    (Matthew 14:19)
  • Drew away for his own time with God (Luke 5:16)
  • Shared his needs and asked his friends to be there for him (Matthew 26:38)
  • Drew the disciples closer to God (Matthew 6)
It goes without saying that all of us are far from being like Jesus in each and every way. We have much room for growth. But it is essential that any of us living in a Christian household  ask ourselves how we can honor God with our living situations.
 
Here are a few practical suggestions…
1)    Consider getting a household mentor — Ask someone older and more mature in the faith to mentor your household. This might include helping you set guidelines, negotiate tricky situations, and/or even sit in on a few family nights or household meetings.
2)    Work on your communication skills — When one member of your household is struggling, ask them a couple of simple questions: What are you feeling? What do you need?
3)    Lead in vulnerability — If you desire to help your household grow, start by being the first one to open up. Talk honestly about your pains, struggles, hopes and dreams. Ask your roommates to pray for you often and offer to pray for them.
4)    Honor others above yourself — When someone comes home after school or work, give them a warm welcome. Show consideration in the little things like cleaning up after yourself, keeping roommates informed, and paying your part of bills before they are due.

 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…”— Philippians 2:3-5
 
Copyright 2008, Robin Weidner, Secure in Heart Ministries




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