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Are men insecure too

In my experience and reading of Scripture, insecurity isn’t a gender-defined problem. Why have you written only to women?

Robin's Response

I agree that overcoming insecurity is a universal struggle. Ever since the Garden of Eden, we’ve all struggled to find security and self-worth in God alone. That being said, God created Adam and Eve (men and women) in an entirely complementary manner. While we share human qualities, our biological, emotional, and physical make-up is wonderfully unique. For instance, it’s what makes the love of a husband so fulfilling, and demonstrative of God’s all-encompassing love. Men and women complement each other.

As you pointed out, there are men who live insecure lives, but their fears and self-doubting usually take a different form. Why? Because they have a different battle to conquer, literally!

To quote the book (page 37 in Secure in Heart):

“But what about women who struggle with purity, and men who struggle with security? It’s the same struggle, usually coming from completely different motives. Women are usually propelled into purity struggles because of their quest for romantic love. Simply said, woman goes where she thinks she can find man, even if it means compromising her desire to put relationship first. Men are propelled into security struggles because of their God-ordained desire to initiate, to lead, to pursue. They struggle with security when those attempts are frustrated, and their manhood is brought into question.”

As I’ve counseled women for the past twenty-some years, the recurring themes that surface are insecurity, codependency, and love/romance addiction (all of which overlap in many ways). I believe that these struggles are the flip side of our unique giftedness as women.

God gave women a unique capacity for relationship. We have a womb. We bear and nurse children. We have more sensitive radar when it comes to relational issues. (Most of us have definite ideas about our wedding by the time we are preteens!) A woman can hear their child’s cry from afar over much noise. Usually women notice they are lonely before men do.

I just read a study that found that the average woman asked on the street could identify a long list of emotions with ease, whereas the average man could only identify three. Likewise, we can do multiple tasks at once–a God-given ability. The flip side of this special giftedness and intuitiveness when it comes to relationship is that our radar is more sensitive to how others feel about us. We can begin to measure ourselves relationally.

That’s why I believe what has been called the curse, God’s so-called punishment of Eve, was really more of a prediction. It’s like he was saying, “Eve, now that you’ve traded away your security in me, you’ll look to man. And that desire will be so intense, he will rule over you.” That desire, I believe, creates our propensity towards insecurity.

My hope is that by discussing the arena I know best (women and insecurity) that I’ll be able to help the most. (By the way, I’ve heard from many men who’ve read the book and found it helped them tremendously!)


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