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My husband's struggle with sexual addiction

In the book, you share about your husband's struggles with sexual addiction. What should I do if I discover my husband is involved in pornography or other sexual activities outside of marriage?

Robin's Response

My first bit of advice would be, “Don’t panic.” Just as Satan seeks to shame us about our insecurities, Satan has sought to shame men about their battles with purity. Shaming him won’t help. After you’ve taken a little time to get past the initial shock, it’s time to set up a conversation with your husband (I’m not in favor of unloading your fears on him in just any random moment.)

I would advise that you pray over that conversation, and give your husband some control, “Honey, I need to talk about with you about something. When would be a good time?” Then, when you sit down together I would suggest the actual conversation go something like this:

“Honey, I want to talk to you about something that’s difficult to talk about, but really important for us discuss. Please hear me out. Here’s what I’ve discovered and how I discovered it. Or even, here’s what I suspect and here’s why. Then, depending on the circumstances, I’d suggest asking some very direct questions such as: When was the last time you looked at pornography? How often do you masturbate? Are you having an affair? Have you ever called a dating line? Do you visit adult bookstores?”
Don’t be surprised if there’s a lot of initial defensiveness. And, regardless of what answers you get, try not to over-react. This is just a starting point.

Then, it’s time to get some help from those with experience in dealing with these kinds of issues. But here’s the good news. You’re not alone and there is hope. What I’ve learned is that God continues to bring much good in my own life through my husband’s battles. If Dave’s battles hadn’t come into the forefront, I don’t know if I would have ever dealt with my own codependency coming from my father’s alcoholism. I certainly wouldn’t have written this book. In nearly every case, I’ve found that there are struggles on both sides of the marriage when impurity is present. Confronting impurity in a marriage can be a conduit of God’s grace for both partners.


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